Feeling the Hole

Some days, I feel the hole in our family more than others. Today was one of those days. (This is a depressing journal entry that will likely be of no value to anyone but myself. It’s not literary. It’s not beautifully expressed. But I need to process, so here goes…)

In the backdrop is the pressure to make a decision. By the end of this month, I need to decide whether to re-enroll the kids in their homeschooling co-op, and for the first time, I’m not sure what the right decision is. So I’ve been praying for wisdom, and asking God to make the choice clear.

So when my 12-year-old son gave me such behavior problems today that I was unable to teach him, I thought, “Maybe this is the guidance I’m looking for. If he can’t learn from me, he needs to go to a school.” But then the onion began to shed its layers, and I began to see the issues behind the issues. Now I’m not so sure about the school decision, but I am sure of this: there is a hole in our family created by divorce, and there is nothing I can do to fix it.

My son! Our progeny can say the most hurtful things. The disrespect was intolerable, so I finally ended the math lesson to focus on the character lesson instead. What good are academics if we neglect the heart?  I think I recall some great quotes along those lines.  Ah, yes, here's one by Aristotle:

Apparently I am insufferably embarrassing to my son. The root cause of his problems is that I am such a nerd and so annoying. (These were his exact words.) As he continued to speak, his anger then unleashed itself on females, claiming that moms and girls are trash. He then bemoaned living in a household of girls and lacking a dad in the household with him five days a week. Hastily after that, he added that he doesn’t want a new dad; he wants his dad. Dad understands him. Dad has similar tastes, and they have fun together. He’s able to study better at Dad’s house, because Dad has better control, because…well, because he’s Dad. He doesn’t want me; he doesn’t want a mom. He wants his dad. My son’s tears began to flow.

And there’s nothing I can do about it.

Divorce stinks. It creates a sucking, gaping hole where the heart should be and leaves one gasping, choking, sputtering, grasping at life but feeling doomed to failure. There is a hole in our family, and I cannot fix it. Even when I am free to remarry, a new dad cannot fix it. No one can fix it but You, Lord.

Lord, I don’t understand what you are doing. I ask You for wisdom about school decisions, and You highlight a painful, impossible abyss in our lives. What’s that about? Whether my son goes to a school or whether I continue to homeschool him, the hole will still remain; he will still miss his dad. In fact, if I do put him in a school, he’ll see even less of his dad. I’d get a break from his angst, but I’d have fewer opportunities to train up his character, and he seems to need it more than ever.

Lord, I need You to fill this hole. I have no idea how, but I don’t have to know. You are the God; I am only Your handmaiden. Lord, please fill my family’s hole. Please fill it with Yourself…although I have no idea what that looks like. Please show me what that means, or at least as much as I need to know. I am hurting, Lord, but I trust You. It’s all I can do.