A gentleman friend for whom I’ve come to deeply care told me, “I love you, Heather. The only question is: how long have I been in love with you?”
And again, just as happened last summer with another dear male friend who confessed feelings of love towards me and even was seriously talking of marriage, when I awkwardly answered by describing the type of man who would match me, I was met with the same basic response: “You’re never going to find that. You haven’t been single for long (or really at all, since your divorce isn’t even final). You don’t know how difficult it is to find a real connection out there in the single world. You’re not going to find someone who checks off all those boxes you’re looking for.” Maybe not, but there’s one box that’s more important than the rest.
First, though, as an aside, the surprising thing about both of these situations is that I’d made it crystal clear all along that we weren’t dating, and I never even kissed either of these men. But I suppose an emotional connection can be more powerful than any physical one, and when I sense a depth and capacity in someone, male or female, I simply don’t know how NOT to connect with them. Maybe I need to rethink my male friendships and my interactions with men. But that’s a topic for another day.
“You’re never going to find that.” Maybe not, but that’s OK. The one thing that most of my gentleman friends tell me is an impossible dream is also the one thing more important to me than any other consideration, and that is that my future man must be what I call a spirit-mate. My future man and I must share a passionate faith in Jesus, equally devoted to Him. But furthermore, we must be on the same mission, the same calling…or at least complementary ones where we are deeply committed to supporting each other’s callings. We must form a team for the Lord that can accomplish together what neither of us could do alone. Only then will I give up my singlehood.
What I’ve discovered in the past year is that singleness truly does have its perks, and I’m not about to give it up lightly. I used to think the apostle Paul couldn’t possibly have had single mothers in mind when he gave his advice that it was better to be single than to be married, for the sake of single-minded devotion to the Lord and to the mission He places on our lives (I Corinthians 7). After all, what single mom isn’t already stretched in a million directions trying to take care of the kids and the paycheck and the dishes and a zillion other responsibilities all by herself, let alone adding a ministry or calling of some sort into the mix? But no, this year God has been showing me that there are ministries—precious and important ministries—that single moms are uniquely qualified to do. And if I had a husband, my energies would be split, as a spouse rightfully deserves time and energy. So it’s good I have no husband to hold me back. If I ever were to come across a spirit-mate who has the same passion and drive for the same causes that I do, such that we can work together while loving one another, well, that would be heavenly. But I’m not holding my breath. “You’ll never find that.” You know what? NOTHING is too big for God and I believe if He wants it to happen, it will most assuredly happen. But I have to agree that my gentlemen friends are probably right, and you know what else? I’m OK with that.
Truly, I have everything I need. God has been a better provider than my husband ever was. Yes, I struggle, but God takes beautiful care of me. I could give scores of examples, but here I’ll just mention a relatively recent one: I had been putting off some dental work for years because I didn’t have the money. I told no one. Lo and behold, a dentist in our church couldn’t sleep one night. He felt a strong urging in his heart that God wanted him to donate his time to the Refuge, and while it made no sense, he got no rest until he resolved to tell our pastor that he would donate his services to anyone in need from the Refuge. (The Refuge is a Christian, comprehensive program addressing domestic abuse, and this past year our church has started a chapter and I have become a mentor.) My pastor mentioned this in passing to another woman at the Refuge, in fact to the very woman I have been mentoring. It was during a counseling session in which I was accompanying her, and my pastor thought that perhaps she might be in need. But it was my own eyes that began tearing up, until my pastor and my friend inquired why and I confessed my own need. That same day, the church sent me home with a letter to present to the dentist vowing that the church would pay for any material costs related to my dental care. So I am 100% covered! I just need to make an appointment. And this is just one example. God is a good provider; I need no Sugar Daddy to take care of me. And Jesus is the Lover of my Soul. He has shown this to me over and over through His Word, through circumstances behind which his hand is evident, and through His body, the church. He has given me a rich and satisfying network of amazing friends and family. Truly, I have everything I need to live singly. My only real complaint with the single life is celibacy. It stinks, it’s hard, and there’s just no getting around that. But it’s a cross I will willingly bear unless and until God sends me a spirit-mate and husband. It’s worth the agony.
Don’t get me wrong; I’ve had temptations to ease my single-life burdens, too. The call of pleasure comes in various ways. My 2019 opened with a bang, as the wee hours of New Year’s Day 2019 brought a stunning experience: as if in a dream, someone utterly and completely out of my league began flirting with me. Never in all my life was I so happy to be propositioned, because of the source! This guy looks like a movie star and has an equally attractive personality. His talents take him all over the globe, and his accomplishments give him superstar status in my circles. But since he does not follow Jesus, he doesn’t follow the same moral code that we Christians do—in fact at one point he told me, “I see no trouble; I think God would like us to enjoy each other sexually,” but he meant no harm and was very respectful when I further explained my beliefs. I’m sure this man must be an incredibly experienced lover with lady friends all over the world, probably amazing in bed…but of course my answer was a very definite (if flattered) “no.” It had to be. How could I trade my calling in Christ for a night of carnal pleasure? God forbid. But pleasure tries another calling: how about a whole life of pleasure and ease? My gentleman friend from last night is a kind and generous man who has worked hard in life and is now reaping financial benefits. He owns three homes along the east coast. He travels regularly and offered to pay my way on a Tango cruise. He is sweet and thoughtful, service-minded and cooks and cleans for himself in complete competence. He is a caretaker by nature and has told me repeatedly that he wants to make my life easier. Life with him would be full of love, comfort, ease, and delight. (Did I mention he’s an amazing dancer?) So pleasure calls out, “If not a night of carnal pleasure, how about an entire lifetime of love, pleasure and ease?” But as wonderful as this gentleman friend of mine is, he’s not my spirit-mate and I know it.
The call of pleasure appears far more appealing than the two callings God has placed on my life right now: to homeschool my children even though my 13-year-old son is angry, abusive and unpleasant most of the time, and to do the heavy but precious work of the Refuge. But when God places a call on your life, it is irresistible. So I continue to struggle to pay the bills and maintain my move-at-the-speed-of-light schedule. Although it often feels like a losing battle, I fight the pull of entropy that would devolve my house into the kind of messiness rivaled only by the abodes of heroin addicts who just don’t care to clean up. I subject myself to all kinds of emotional heaviness on all fronts: home and ministry. And I trust one day in Heaven I will look back and say it was worth it. And you know what? Sometimes God lets me see fruit here on earth, too…like the two women who just separated from abusive husbands this week and are breathing the unpolluted air of freedom for the first time in decades, or the experience of coming downstairs in the morning to find my son reading his Bible unprompted.
“You’ll never find that.” Maybe so. But look what I HAVE found: life is full and rich and deep and meaningful and adventure-filled. Even as a single. Perhaps especially as a single. I am filled to overflowing with the riches of God’s grace; it carries me, buoys me, covers and drenches me delightfully. God’s grace is sufficient for me as a single, and if He ever calls me to marry again, God’s grace will be sufficient for me married. He ordains my every step, so why in the world would I ever worry whether I do or don’t find a spirit-mate and husband? His ways are good. Blessed be the name of the Lord.
